Sunday Thoughts

How much time do you spend living life? When I say "living life" I don't mean doing laundry or cooking dinner or arguing with your partner. What I mean is, how much time do you spend living between the lines of those sorts of activities, appreciating that you have a family to wash clothes for, or appreciating the patterned fabric of a
favorite shirt, or focusing on health and vitality while you're stirring a pot of soup. How much time do you spend on actually living, as opposed to mindlessly (and sometimes grudgingly) trudging through the tasks of your daily existence? Do you have an existence, or do you have a Life?

Maybe my mind has turned to mindfulness in living because of the shadows that have fallen over the lives of others recently. My best friend and his wife are, after living healthy and happy for many years, suddenly finding
themselves enmeshed in health issues so extreme that their lives have become notably altered. A close friend passed just a few weeks ago after battling for many years with addiction. Another friend finds himself challenged by cancer. Still another acquaintance of ours died last week after his own valiant fight with the same disease. I've been thinking hard about life lately, about what really matters and what really doesn't, and about how much energy I expend on silly things like a pair of shorts being left on the floor or a carton of milk being forgotten on the kitchen counter. Time is stolen away from us when we fritter the minutes and seconds and hours away on resentment, anger, and just general negativity. I'm not saying we shouldn't feel those emotions. It would be phony and counterproductive to wander through our days ignoring valid emotional reactions to the events unfolding around us simply because those emotions aren't happy ones. What I am saying is that we can acknowledge those feelings and move forward. We can refuse to let them define our entire day, or even an entire hour. We can shift our mind and heart to gratitude and focus on that for a minute or two or five.

We should remember that every moment of life is precious; not one second that has passed can be snatched back and relived. We don't know how much time we have to live, nor are we sure of the challenges up ahead. If we live life as if every moment is a state of grace, then maybe we'll experience true, deep, meaningful life, life well lived.

Boston Plans!

At this time next week my daughter and I will be in Boston! I've written often about how much miss home,
how badly I'd like to move back to the northeast, and I will be very happy to reconnect with New England's energy again. I feel whole when I'm there, more comfortable than I do anywhere else. It's where a piece of my heart resides and for that I am unapologetic.

A Thought Before Leaving

Sitting at the kitchen table, munching on a dark chocolate brownie cookie (things really do seem better with chocolate), my mind began to wander. I have a short time before I need to leave the house to attend the second installment of a series of Goddess classes I signed up for; not enough time to pull out my artwork or type away at my book. In lieu of doing either of those things, which tend to focus my mind and ease my anxieties, I'll write here.

Yesterday I was overcome by the feeling that something really great was about to happen. Very often, I'll have such feelings when something bad is soon to occur, but not the other way around. This can be frustrating, and so I was happy to be having this new experience! I'm still unsure of what, if anything, this means. Lots of times I'll have a feeling about something that takes place a week or so into the future; I thus far have only had a handful of experiences where I could see exactly what was going to take place. Today I also have a feeling of dread. With the news constantly broadcasting images of bin Laden and the bloody floor of his bedroom and the underlying fear of future attacks hanging over our heads like a fishing net, it's small wonder I feel uneasy. I'm happy that this man, who I feel had been overtaken by the evil of his own fanaticism, is no longer on this side of the veil. I hope his spirit will be re-born into a human who is kinder and more in harmony with humanity, and that the horrors he orchestrated in our country can heal more for his absence. I have complete confidence in our SEALS, am relieved they managed this attack without injury to any more of our own, and applaud their bravery and perseverance. What troubles me now is that his killing has stirred up the proverbial hornets' nest. While I doubt we were much safer with bin Laden alive, I fear his death might re-energize his followers with a martyr fury. Fueled by rage and with their hatred of us energized by the conception of their leader as a fearless man who went down defending what he believed was right, I fear they might be provoked to attempt something terrible soon. With our families so spread out around the country, this causes me further anxiety.

I hope I'm wrong, and I don't think that the feelings I have are related to any issues of nationwide importance. Still, my discomfort level has been raised by the events of the past few days. Images of the twin towers falling still haunt me, as I'm sure they do most Americans old enough to remember that day. I awoke with a renewed realization that the world can truly be a frightening place, that the innocence I once possessed has been forever erased, that sometimes it's all too easy for people to be pursuaded into evil for the sake of their twisted version of faith.



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Catching Up

I've been finding blogging to be a difficult endeavor lately, thus I have been neglecting this site badly. I've been short of time to read blogs or post on my own, and even now I only have a short moment to write. This is a good thing, I suppose, since all of the things that keep me busy enrich my life and I would be a sadder person for not having so much energy swirling around me.

Beltane was a fairly quiet affair for us. We attended a festival at the local UU Church (my first holiday festival, actually), narrowly missing the May pole dance due to a car emergency. We had to go home early to pick my hub's car up from the garage, but I'm glad we got to partake of some springtime revelry with a bunch of cool people.

The year continues to move forward and I'm feeling in my bones how things are shifting in my life. The Universe reveals so much to us when we approach our lives with wide open eyes, but sometimes the changes are very subtle. I think that many people, expecting that spiritual messages have always to arrive in a bang of white light, miss the messages which try to reach us in the ordinary moments of our days. I experienced a wonderful meditation a few nights ago. While deep in a state of quiet and peace, I asked my spirit guide why I still feel such a hole in my soul when I already have so many blessings. The answer I received was straightforward: you're an artist who isn't creating, a writer who isn't writing, a passionate person who isn't using your passion toward a cause you believe in, a spiritual being who is just beginning to delve into a much deeper spiritual experience. You're a lover of mountains trapped in a flat landscape. You have many deep needs that need to be filled but are being neglected, and if you want to feel whole you must do the things which are meant to keep you that way. Reading this, the message might seem very negative, but it really wasn't. The message, as the conversation continued, was that being aware of our deficits hands us responsibilty for getting off our butts and taking the action we need to take. If I know I'm trying to do this, then I don't feel like such a powerless victim, and things can truly begin to happen.

Peace!

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Sunday Introspection

It's Sunday, and I'm taking some time to rest and be a little bit lazy for a short while. It's raining as as I sit outside under the awning by our garden patio, and thundering as well. I'll remain here until either the lightning or the mosquitoes drive me inside. I love spring storms such as this.

Yesterday was a busy, good day: youth group in the morning, a sweet 16 party for the wonderful girl who babysits our daughter last night. We stayed out a bit late; since the little one has been sick we didn't want to "over do" it and had intended to leave the party early. There never seemed to be an appropriate time to leave, however. Before we knew it, 10:30 had arrived and we were leaving amidst a flurry of teenagers. By the time we went to bed it was midnight.

Today, we all slept late but I still feel sleepy. The sound of the rain softly falling and the cool kiss of the wind on my face are only serving to lull me further. The mosquitos will push me to go inside soon; the little buggers are really screwing with my serenity.

This post is the first with my picture on it, and there's a reason for this. Up to this point, I've been very "broom closeted". Now, I'm not going to hang a sign in front of my door, but I do wish to be a bit more open and a bit more true and a lot less hypocritical. My life has been touched by death quite a lot over recent months, and that's gotten me thinking a lot about life. I've been mulling quite liberally over the idea that so many of us reject who we really are, or live our lives in fear of our true selves being outed. If life is short and we never know when the end might arrive, shouldn't we live it to the fullest? Shouldn't we choose an ethical spiritual path that fits us, listen to the callings that beckon our hearts, and move forward boldly in the direction our dreams guide us to?

I think so. And I've decided to try it out.

It Who Shall Not Be Named Rages On

The yucky continued to infiltrate our home yesterday, though my little one seemed to be doing slightly better.  She's managed to keep a bit of milk down (she asked for milk, and while I had my doubts, she did okay with it), and only threw up once yesterday.  At one point during the day she looked up at me from her place beside me on the bench at the kitchen table and very plaintively cried, "Mommy! I can't enjoy anything right now!" My heart was broken. 

I am trying to stave off whatever this is (I'm not using the "v" word, believing that words possess power and wanting very much for it to leave us quickly).  I've been feeling tired in the mornings, waking up with the sensation of having been beat up in my dreams, and experiencing a bit of sour stomach throughout the day, but thus far I'm in denial with regard to being sick.  I'll admit that I'm fighting something off and have gone as far as to skip the gym this week (I hate missing my thrice weekly workouts because they keep me mentally A LOT more sane) but am hoping that I can escape the experience of full-blown illness.  I don't have time to be sick with a stomach v--- (almost wrote it), though I know that such things don't really care what events I have penned onto my social calendar or my house list. 

On another note, I am homesick.  I suppose I'm always a little homesick for New England, but lately I've been homesick in the extreme.  This morning I was browsing the web site for Earth Spirit, reading up on all of the events going on up in the Massachusetts region over Beltane, and was struck with such a feeling of wanting to be connected there it made me choke down a sob. I know this sounds very dramatic and maybe even silly, but it's true.  I love our house, and our friends, and this new journey I'm taking with the Sisterhood (in spite of my spiritual ramblings, I think I'm beginning to understand who I've always been and feel like I might even be able to embrace it without fear of what most of the outside world thinks), but I can't shake the feeling that I belong up north.  Of course, my husband might not share this sentiment. He likes New England, and I believe if he didn't have to do construction there he'd be okay with living in that type of environment.  Right now, though, it isn't happening.  More will be revealed.  And, hopefully, I'll be up there for two weeks this summer with my little one.

Wonderful Saturday Experience

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend a class on Goddess spirituality, facilitated by a wonderful woman in the magickal community who has been studying and priestessing for twenty five years.  Surrounded by other women, I spent a glorious two and half hours or so learning about the Goddess in her maiden aspect, followed by a guided mediation which proved to be a powerful experience for me, as well as for all involved.  I decided to attend the class because I feel that over the past several years I've been looking at life largely from the sidelines, peering over the fence and watching others play from a safe distance.  I'm tired of gazing at life from that vantage point and feel ready to dive into a new adventure, wherever it takes me.  I was reminded yesterday of what attracted me to this spirituality in the first place: I felt happy sitting in a room of open minded people, people who accept me for exactly who I am and who seem genuinely interested in living a life filled with spirituality and the sparkle of magic and mystery.  I left the tea shop feeling uplifted, happy and positive, and I felt good about once again putting a foot forward and allowing the other to follow, not merely reading about the existence of a class which I thought sounded interesting, but actually getting into my car, driving over to the shop, and experiencing it myself.  I'm ready to join a community, and I think this is the direction I need to head in.