I Stand Corrected!

After all of my ranting yesterday, DH returned home from the bachelor party at 8:30. The guys had agreed to go out for sushi and then called it a night. I feel a bit silly, not so much for getting upset as for not taking DH's word that they weren't heading out to look at naked women.

We live and learn!


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Blah, Blah, Blech

I'm in a foul mood but I'm not sure exactly why. I'm a bit in a mind set of wondering what exactly it is I'm doing with my life, what I could be doing better, and where I'm right on track. I'm frustrated with a few aspects of my life, though mostly quite happy. I believe that if I'm unhappy the only person who can change my state of discontent is me. Usually inner turmoil and depression ( excluding the clinical variety) is the result of us not doing something we know we should be, and deep inside I'm pretty certain what avenues of change I need to stroll down. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to organizing my time, staying focused and just simply doing what needs to be done.

I know that another part of my discontent tonight is due to a bachelor party the hub just rode off to attend. What is it with guys and these stupid parties, where it seems necessary to have some silly girl shaking her butt in everyone's face? He told me they were thinking about going to a pool hall instead, but since he was unwilling to tell me exactly what they were doing, I'm suspect. The thing is, why did they insist on going someplace we're all going to be upset about-why did the organizer of this party insist on going someplace he knew the bride to be would be very unhappy about? Why is getting married a sudden excuse to act like a dog? I know- I have some issues. Or maybe my evolving spiritual awareness is taking my mind to places I haven't visited in awhile, or, in some instances, ever. Maybe there are just some things I'm tired of. I hope I feel better tomorrow.



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Old Friends and Loved Ones

I had a conversation with a close friend today regarding an old love of hers and friend of mine. This man passed just a few months ago, but his presence is still being felt in a very real way by a few people with whom he was close. I find this comforting, on some level. L wasn't sure if there was anything else "out there" before he died, and I imagine he's tickled pink to discover that he can still communicate with some of the people he cares about.

I have had quite a few paranormal experiences in my lifetime so far, most benign, a few kind of scary. Not really understanding how to use this gift for a helpful purpose can be frustrating. Had I someone with whom I could talk about what was happening, that scary part of one of my experiences could probably have been handled better. I absolutely believe that those of us who are sensitive are more likely to attract spirit activity/communication, and it's helpful to know how to handle situations involving spirits who are angry and in a place of emotional torment. As well, it's helpful to know the situation from which they came. In this instance I'd made some false assumptions and added to the element of distress. Those errors were revealed, but I still wasn't sure how to handle the fear, rage and sense of betrayal this man had felt during his last living moments. I tried my best but felt a sense of failure. In the end, one always has the option of shutting off. I found it necessary to close the lines of communication down because I was becoming too upset with what this man was telling me. Without getting into the whole story, I believe that I was contacted by the spirits of a couple who used to live across the street from our former home. The couple's lives ended in a murder/suicide, and the husband (who, it turned out, was the victim) was not at peace and wanted someone to know this. In great detail.

Lately, I've been sensing a presence in our current house. I don't have a bad feeling about it (unlike in our old place) but I don't know who it is, either. Unlike any of my previous experiences, in this instance I've been noticing soft shadows, almost more of a disturbance in the air than anything like what one would see in an actual human shadow. I get a feeling that if I only looked hard enough for long enough, I'd actually see a form materialize. I know who the home's previous owners were and have felt their energy here, but it was like the warmth of grandparents and not the least bit frightening. I don't think it's either of them who is here now. I'm not even certain that what I've felt of them here isn't just residual energy, as opposed to actual spirit manifestation. With this newest presence, I feel something different. I haven't yet decided for sure whether or not I'm okay with whoever it is hanging around.




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Early Morning Thought

I was tired this morning, and snuggled deep into a sea of soft covers in a warm bed, when the clock radio began sounding. Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed and drove to the gym for the second of my three workout days. The workout felt good, especially after I'd acheived a full state of consciousness (really- I was so tired this morning)!

Leaving the YMCA, I heard birds calling to each other. I felt like I was a part of their dance, even though I was only silently listening. As I approached my car, I thought, "Yes! This is one of the huge benefits to being awake at a terribly early hour. I get to hear the world around me awakening."




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Happy Ostara

Ostara was actually yesterday, but I thought I'd wish everyone a happy anyway, since the weekend saw me too busy to blog, or even to turn on a computer, for that matter. I created a basket yesterday for our daughter; Target is a wonderful place to find inexpensive and fun seasonal items like bubbles in carrot shaped containers and butterfly shaped sidewalk chalk. I was able to create a basket much nicer than the ones I've seen for sale already made, filled with the types of candy and items Sparkle Girl will love. When I arrived home I snuck into our back office and happily assembled it a watchful eye on the door.

The basket was a hit (yay!) and we still have eggs to color, which is a yearly tradition here in our home. I purchased a kit yesterday and stuck it into the basket, thinking it might be the easiest route to take. I'd considered using food coloring and plain old crayons for the resist designs, but this kit has stickers. What little girl doesn't love stickers? The PAAS company knows what it's doing as far as marketing.

Last night Hub and I went out and saw Red Riding Hood and it did not dissapoint. Gary Oldman is one of my favorite actors, and as I developed an intense hatred last night for the character he played in this movie, I remembered why. Amanda Siegfried was enchanting, the scenery was amazing, and the ending offered a surprising plot twist. I highly recommend seeing it. When we came out of the movie and approached the motorcycle, I noticed that my helmet was filled with tiny white flowers. We'd parked under a graceful tree of a very feminine form, and she'd showered us with beautiful spring flowers. Laughing with pleasure, I thanked her and looked up at her branches. In the softening light of early evening, bees remained hard at work collecting their daily store from her abundant blossoms. As we drove away, I reflected that when one begins to acknowlege the sacredness of nature, one will begin to see the sacred and special everywhere.




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One More Thing

I just returned home from a spiritual group I attend each week. While the members are all Jewish, everyone bring his or her own spiritual beliefs to the proverbial table. One of our members has experienced amazing things while engaged in Native American ritual, and he believes that no matter how one connects with a higher power, it's all good as long as the path is centered on doing the right thing. Comforted by his words, I shared tonight about my own spiritual conundrum, and received some extremely helpful feedback. Maybe that message I received about not being able to follow both of my spiritual callings wasn't so much about having to abandon anything as it was about abandoning my old ideas about what spirituality means. For sure, if I'm reading Orthodox material, I'm going to be reading about more absolute ideas. Tonight, listening to one person talk about how she attends drumming circles and another talk about Native American spirituality, and someone else speak about connecting to spirit through rituals that have to do with connecting with the earth's energy, I came to understand that I'm not as alone as I thought I was. I feel much better tonight.

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Sadness

Following is a link to news of a terrible attack which occurred last Friday:

http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4041237,00.html

and another: 

http://www.aish.com/jw/me/Itamar_Massacre.html

The story concerns a family by the name of Fogel, who were brutalized in their home by terrorists who have yet to be caught.  Murdered in this shameful onslaught were the mother, father, and three children, ages eleven, four and three months old. Three months old!!! That someone could be sick and twisted enough to murder an innocent family is bad enough.  Killing children reaches far beyond sick and twisted, delving into senselessly cruel, heartless, and evil.  Not that those words don't apply to the murderer of the entire family.  I just feel like it takes a special type of evil to murder a child-what type of rationale do you suppose this person or people employed as they were stabbing the three month old baby to death? Or slicing the throat of an eleven year old? The four year old was discovered clenching his little fists; he was too young even to attempt defense of himself, and it's heartbreaking to think that a child not even old enough to understand the politics behind this horrible attack was violently taken from this world by a person arrogant and cruel enough to believe he had justification to do so.  Looking at a picture of the family's house, I can imagine all of the daily goings on that might have taken place there each day: hurried breakfasts before school, lively Shabbat celebrations, laughter between husband and wife at those little jokes spouses share only with one another, happy days and bad days.  I imagine homework at the kitchen table and the camaraderie of a large family (I, too, come from a family of six children).  Now, there's a gaping hole in the fabric of life, with the three surviving children left to cope with what has happened and with the issue of the blind hatred behind it. 

I want to hate the people behind this attack.  But I know, deep down, that this is not the answer.  A good friend of mine advises that the only road to victory over the people who perpetrate hatred crimes such as this is living a fully Jewish life.  Hating these people will only foster a deeper hatred within me, which will eventually grow and poison my soul, providing no constructive outlet.  Practicing the joy and love that comes with Judaism, studying Torah, proving to the people who hate us that we're not going anywhere, passing the faith down to my daughter, learning about and living by the laws of Halakha, are constructive ways of dealing with the pain and sorrow I feel every time I read about this horrific event.  It won't make the horror disappear, but it might make a difference.

Streams of water can't put out love, 
Nor can rivers sweep it away.
Song of Songs 8:7

A Sleepy Tuesday Afternoon

 It's almost 6:00 p.m., but I feel a sense of accomplishment, having completed the many tasks I needed to see finished today and just wrapping up the rest of our business work.  About an hour ago, I was experiencing a feeling of great stress but now, as dinner looms on the horizon, most of that has left and I'm looking forward to sitting at the table with my family and winding the day down.  At 4:00 I drove little one over to the local YMCA to attend her ballet class, only to discover that it had been canceled due to spring break.  No one informed us of this earlier, and, being out of the public educational system loop, it had not occurred to me that extracurricular programs wouldn't be taking place this week.  Next week we'll take our spring break, since our neighbors will be off next week as well and I'd like for the kids to be able to hang out.  Not only that, but it's nice to have an excuse for coffee time with the neighbor. The break will be a welcome respite for the kiddo and me both; we've worked hard this year and as summer stands poised just a few months away, some days my daughter tires of school work earlier than usual.  I find myself having to push a little more many days now, urging her forward and exercising lots and lots of patience when the day isn't going along as smoothly as would be comfortable.  I'm still very grateful that we are having the opportunity to home school, though.  I never have any regrets about doing so, even when I'm tired and cranky and unsure of how to keep a six year old excited through math lessons.  Or myself, for that matter (bad Mommy!).

As far as spiritual matters, I'm confused today as always.  Some days I feel these moments of clarity, but they don't always point me in the same direction and I wonder sometimes how much of this religious stuff is made up by human beings in an effort to explain our world and offer guidance to the stumbling masses.  I'm not at all implying that it's bad, but what I am saying is that I sometimes wonder if our choice of religion isn't more a matter of following the path that feels like home to us than a matter of some absolute truth.

Something to ponder on a Tuesday afternoon.  

 

Questions and Answers

About a month ago, I attended a very powerful Goddess circle. Many of the women in attendance are well learned women, having studied and practiced their spiritual path for many years. The atmosphere as we sat outside under the moonlight was both serious and warm. As the fire in the middle of our circle of women curled it's orange and red hued flames upward into the night, we all closed our eyes and quieted our minds for a guided meditation.

I have, on a few blessed occasions during meditation, felt myself truly connected to the One of Holy Name. I have received messages while in this silent state of being that proved to be right on track; words of advice that, when heeded, have helped me tremendously toward a successful outcome during times of chrisis or emotional upheaval (or both). On this night, as I focused, eyes closed, on the third eye chakra, I heard a voice, gentle and soft but unmistakable. It was a voice that spoke to me through the reaches of my soul, and it told me that I would not indefinitely be able to walk both of the paths of spirituality that I've been trying to straddle. I breathed deeply, somewhat alarmed by this admonition of sorts. For years I've been attempting to do just this, unwilling to completely give up Judaism but equally unwilling to stop practicing elements of a Pagan lifestyle. I've told myself that I could do both, that paths to G-d were paths to G-d, all equal and recognized. As I've talked myself into this idea, I've encountered moments which seemed to contradict it, but I've forged ahead, unable to reconcile conflicting truths but not ready to face the fact that Judaism and Pagan beliefs do not really mesh well. The voice I heard in the dark that night came in a moment of unguarded quiet, and it seemed relevant to me. Try as I might, I found myself unable to dismiss it over the days that followed.

About three weeks after the Circle and this eye opening but spiritually troubling revelation, I found myself in the Hollywood Public Library. I'd visited there to pick up a book containing a collection on paranormal mysteries which I'd placed on hold earlier in the week. After locating said book on the hold shelf, I wandered across the library to browse (in spite of the promise I'd made to myself to borrow only one book-I don't have an abundance of time for reading these days). Sifting through various biographies and other books, I came upon Herman Wouk's "The Will to Live On- This is Our Heritage". Years ago, I'd read his book "This is My God" and enjoyed it. I love his writing style and had found this book to be informative as I'd plumbed the depths of my Jewish heritage. I believe this book helped spark a love affair with Judaism for me; after reading it I began reading books upon books on everything from Orthodox belief to Hasidic teachings to Reform belief. I have been unable to put "The Will..." down, so much has it been revealing answers to me that I very much need at this point in time. I will add here that a few days before I found this book, I posed yet another request to G-d, advising that if I could find our mezzuzah (missing since our move three years ago) that would be proof enough that I was supposed to be following a Jewish path. As I posed this request I knew I would not receive an answer in this way; G-d doesn't always operate along our guidelines and is not there to perform tricks for us. Still, an answer did come. As is often the case, my eyes needed to be open to the response in whatever form it was to be delivered in.

In this book, Mr. Wouk, a learned scholar, accomplished writer and devout Jew, talks about our Jewish history, as well as our place in the world- where we've been and where we might be headed. This morning as I was reading the book alongside a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, I came across a passage which really hit home. The author talks about a period in his life when he was living a fairly carefree lifestyle, studying the atheistic words of Nietzsche, the ideas of Immanuel Kant, and writing comedy routines for radio shows. He was also studying Talmud with his grandfather, practicing Judaism, and balancing both sides of his life with a reasonable amount of success. He writes that he "did not anticipate that the parallel lines would ever meet in a wild shower of conscience", that these two lifestyles ran "along parellel tracks in" his mind. He says that the inconsistencies and contradictions between them didn't bother him too much at the time. I can relate to this. The problem (?) is that now, as happened to Mr. Wouk, I find myself in a hailstorm of sparks, such that the contradictions can no longer be ignored, the inconsistencies no longer stuffed into a box and squirreled away into a darkened corner of my mind for future analysis.

And so the beginnings of answers come, not always the way we'd like them to, in small, pretty packages, but instead in complicated, tangled bundles. I look forward to slowly unravelling this one, sure that more surprises and revelations lie ahead.

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A Blessing After Disaster

I had some thoughts with regard to what I wanted to blog about today, but, in light of the tsunami which occurred in Japan today, and in honor of all of those who have been lost to this tragedy, as well as the survivors left behind to cope, I offer this instead: 

A Prayer
Mi sheberakh avoteinu mekor habrakha l’imoteinu
May the Source of strength
Who blessed the ones before us
Help us find the courage
To make our lives a blessing,
And let us say: Amen.
Mi sheberakh imoteinu mekor habrakha l’avoteinu
Bless those in need of healing With refuah shleima:
The renewal of body,
The renewal of spirit,
And let us say: Amen

 This is usually a prayer said for the sick; at our synagogue it is sung toward the end of the service, after the Rabbi asks people to call out the names of loved ones who are ill, and it is a truly beautiful blessing. 


Here's another prayer which I located at Ask.com: 


In this time of darkness, let us serve as the light
That brings comfort and strength, hope and redemption.

It is our hands that move stones
And our hearts that move mountains
Sowing the seeds
Of unbroken tomorrows.

If you offer your compassion to the hungry
And satisfy the famished creature
Then shall your light
Shine in darkness
And your gloom
Shall be like noonday

Isaiah 58:10

And one more:

"Blessed are You, G-d, the True Judge." - traditional prayer said after a tragedy.

I find that no words seem to be enough; nothing bespeaks the pain of an event such as this.  Maybe, as the day goes along, you will find prayers of your own to say.  And as we all lift up our voices (whether silently or aloud) the healing can begin. 

Rainy Afternoon

Today was supposed to be nature class day for my little one, but the weather had different ideas. At 12:30pm the clouds which had been threatening rain gathered in earnest, darkening the sky and, finally, unleashing their fury. No mere shower, this was a serious rainstorm, with big gloppy raindrops spattering the driveway and the lake behind our house, blowing sideways in the wind, tapping on our windows as if demanding entry. Shortly after the rain began, thunder followed, loud claps of thunder followed by flashes of lightning to rival the paparazzi at an Academy Awards ceremony. Now, an hour later, it's quiet outside. A few grey clouds hang over the house, and droplets of rain sparkle on our window screens, but the storm has passed, at least for now. My daughter's class was scheduled for 1:00pm; it's 1:19 now, and we probably could have gone, but the teacher canceled, siting that most of the people signed up didn't want to drive in torrential downpours to get to the park. I understand, as I drive a small Kia which was born in 2002, who dislikes stopping on rain slicked streets and needs a front end alignment (not fun to drive in windy conditions).

Given that I had a few unexpected minutes semi-free (are we ever really subject to "free" moments when mothering small children? I feel slightly guilty sitting at my computer!), I decided to create this blog, a place to muse about the larger events taking place in the world, the events taking place in my own life, and navigating life while straddling the seemingly impossible worlds of three different religions. My hope is that I will find here a place to connect with others traveling their own spiritual paths, to get to the bottom of what it is exactly that I believe in, what nourishes my soul. I am Jewish by defined religion, married to a Catholic man. Over the years, I've also wandered around the hallowed halls of Christianity (but found it was not for me), enjoy meditation, and attend Goddess gatherings. I am always called back to Judaism in some way, though, unwilling to cast it aside and dive completely into a new ocean of belief. Many people don't understand how rich a religion Judaism is; I, myself, wasn't aware of how complex a spiritual path it was until I began reading and reading and reading more about the old Chasidic masters, about the Zohar, about Torah and all of the different ideas that spring forth from the myriad of translations in existence with regard to the sacred texts.

I once read that a person with a Jewish soul will always feel a longing deep within to return to his or her Jewish religion. This is because, it is said, people with a Jewish soul (even people who have converted, since it is believed that the soul of a convert has been reborn and, as such, is a newly born Jewish soul regardless of one's previous affiliation) were actually present at Sinai when the covenant was formed between G-d and the Jewish people. We know deep within our souls that the covenant exists and that it is something wonderful, not to be cast aside. We yearn for that connection. Maybe that's why I keep going back-I'm not sure. Over the past few months, I've pretty much thought about myself as a Universalist, and I don't plan on looking down my nose at anyone for their personal spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof) because I feel that there are many paths down which one can travel to make a connection with the One of Blessing. But, I'm open to learning more, to finding the value in this way of life, to figuring out what it is I really believe deep within, and, hopefully, to having fun along the way.