Baal Teshuva

I found a nice story this morning at Chabad.org: 

http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/376130/jewish/The-Road-Home.htm. In this story, the author describes her journey into a more observant form of Judaism.  I like this piece because I can relate to it.  In the early days of my spiritual wanderings, up to about a month ago, actually, this is how I felt.  I treasured my Jewish roots, I enjoyed being around people who were really into their Jewish traditions and practices, who were knowledgeable with regard to Torah and Jewish studies and religious texts.  I liked the idea of keeping kosher, honoring laws of family purity, etc.  But me? I couldn't imagine doing these thing in earnest myself.  The idea of dressing modestly, observing the laws of kashrut, paying attention to Halachah (Torah law) with any real degree of seriousness frightened me.  It still does, in some ways.  The Jewish part of my family is serious about being Jewish, but answers to the Reform call.  We didn't have to worry too much about accidentally eating shrimp at a restaurant, making sure our skirts were long enough, or staving off sexual urges prior to making that monthly trip to the mikveh.  This works well for lots of people.  In lots of ways, it works well for me too.  Lately, though, there's been something missing in my spiritual life.  I've been longing for a deeper connection with spirituality, and this hunger has been leading me in different directions, guiding me in a search for something that will help me to make better sense of day to day life.  Guiding me in a search for something that will help me to better deal with day to day life. 

I've come to realize that, no matter where my searching takes me, I tend to return to Judaism when I need answers to ethical questions.  For example, after a recent altercation with a former employee of my husband, I looked to Torah study in an effort to figure out how I could have better handled my reaction to this man's drunken ignorance.  Not only did I find the answers I was seeking, but the answers made sense to me, even though everything I read on the subject told me in no uncertain terms that I'd handled the situation the wrong way.  If the words I read had been coming at me verbally from a live teacher, they would have been the equivalent of a complete dressing down, but I don't mind criticism if it's going to truly help me to grow and be a better person. In fact, Judaism tells us that the only criticism we should offer is the constructive kind.  

A baal teshuva is a person who returns to a more observant form of Judaism. It's a beautiful and scary word to me today.  Beautiful because it means connection, a deeper form of spirituality, a community of people who walk their path with God in a very real way. Scary because it means growth through change, possible alienation from people who don't understand why I would want to do such a crazy thing as following Jewish tradition a bit more seriously, sideways glances from my non-Jewish husband ("What do you mean, we can't keep ham in the refrigerator anymore?!").  I'm not ready to throw out my blue jeans, toss every non-Kosher item from the shelves in my kitchen into the trash can, or begin a scarf collection, but I am ready to make small changes slowly.  I'm a big believer that true change begins within oneself, and that the outside stuff only matters as much as it's helping to make an inside transformation.  If I wear a long skirt and three quarter sleeved shirt because, on that particular day, doing so makes me feel more connected to other Jews and to God through the performance of a mitzvah, then that's great.  If I start paying more attention to what I buy in the grocery store, being more careful to purchase items that are kosher while remaining tolerant of the fact that my husband is Cajun and loathe to give up his sausage and shrimp, then I've taken a step.  The outward choices I make help to solidify my inner convictions, but the reasons I do these things must begin with a sincere desire to connect more fully with my Judaic roots and with the belief that there really is great value and meaning in living a Jewish life.           

I know that if I keep going in this direction some people will think I've gone crazy.  But I think I've gone crazy and am now trying to bring myself toward true sanity.